Everything is Different

If people would’ve told me three months ago when I started this blog that my life would be totally and completely different in just a few months, I would’ve laughed at them and rolled my eyes. My life was JUST fine and did not need to change, thank you very much. Then again, I probably would’ve believed them, but would never admit it.

I’m having a hard time adjusting. I didn’t want to change before the baby was born, but now that he’s here, I want everything to change. I’m alright with things being different, but I don’t know how to change the things I want to change.

After shit hit the fan in August I started counseling. It’s free from my work (they offer it to avoid problems and lawsuits) and my counselor is able to work with me on all issues, work, family, life, and what makes me tick. In the past I’ve tried it, but it didn’t seem to help me much. Reluctantly I started, and was pleasantly surprised at the turns that it took to help me find myself. The problem was that my counselor kept telling me I needed to paint the life I wanted and go get it.

Problem was, I had no idea what I wanted. The life I had was beautiful and perfect enough at that time. I didn’t think I wanted a change.

Then baby boy came. As soon as I held him in my arms I realized that I wanted everything to change. I knew my life had just changed for the best. My mind was flooded with all the things I wanted and needed to do. I realized that things were going to be okay, but I still felt overwhelmed.

I’ve been making lists. Trying to come up with ways to write out or verbalize what I want from my life. When I get online and check Pinterest and other blogs I feel overwhelmed. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to become.

The other big thing keeping me back is where I feel totally miserable and hateful towards myself; I’m starting to exhibit signs of postpartum depression. My mother had it. My mother-in-law had it. I’ve struggled with depression for years. I know I’ll probably get it, but I hate myself when I start showing signs of it. My husband doesn’t get it. He looks at the baby and is totally in love. I’m totally in love too, but I struggle so much with trying to be happy all of the time.

Husband is awesome. He lets me sleep at night and tends to the baby, then goes to work the next day and even offers to let me nap when he gets home from work. He helps me cook dinner and when the baby is fussy he lets me do what I need to do to clear my head. My husband is amazing. Me? Not so much.

Everything is different. That’s not a bad thing. Everything needs to change, and I hope that I can handle the changes that come.