Music Monday: Angels on the Moon

Note: This is a revisited post from my old blog, and was published a little over a year ago originally.

“Don’t tell me if I’m dying, Cause I don’t want to know.”

I remember the first time I thought about leaving you; It was the moment your hand made contact with my cheek, just a week after we got married. The burning from the impact was nothing compared to the anger I felt. Instead of yelling, instead of retaliating, instead of calling for help and having any one of my numerous guy friends come kick your sorry ass, I bit my lip and stared you down. After moments of silence passed of you staring at me angrily I paused. Your hand was still raised, you were ready to do it again. I was in shock that you even had the courage to lay a hand on me, and angry I turned and walked into our room, locking the door behind me.

As soon as the door was shut, as soon as the lights were out, and as soon as I crawled into an empty and cold bed was when I finally started to cry. My cheek stung and my eyes burned as I cried quietly into a pillow. After crying it out I got up to examine my cheek in the mirror. You had left a hand print. That wouldn’t be the only time you laid a hand on me.

“Do you care about all the little things, or anything at all?”

One night, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. I was asked to stay at her home for a few days, to take care of it and her dog, I agreed and went to go tell you about the change of plans. You never answered your phone, but you were at work so it was understandable. Trying to be understanding and kind I went to your work to let you know the situation.

You weren’t there.

I asked the manager there to show me your work schedule, which she did. You weren’t at work more than 5 hours that week. You had told me you were scheduled for 40 hours. Where were you?

We got into a big fight over that as soon as you decided to show back up. I tried to maintain my calm and believe your lies, that you were spending all your time at the gym, but I wasn’t stupid. When your Myspace and Facebook accounts are open anyone can see anything, and wives can catch husbands cheating very easily when the mistresses write all over their pages.

Later on that night your sister threatened to come and kill me because I asked her not to text me after a certain time of night, and to not send me political texts and crap. I explained to her that that is one of the two things I try never to talk about, religion being the other. She is an ignorant bitch, and she didn’t understand. I called my dad that night after you left. I was scared for my life and didn’t know what to do. He listened as I sobbed into a phone until my tears shorted the phone out and it died.

I fell asleep alone and scared that night. That was the first time I realized that my life wasn’t what I wanted it to be.

“I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside, I wanna feel.”

There was yet another night you went missing.

I was lonely, sad, and upset, so I went for a drive out in the country. The dark night sky wasn’t even letting the stars shine through and the world seemed dark. I turned on Thiving Ivory’s “Angels on the Moon” and let the empty roads and dark skies carry me and my problems away. I went to a park a few cities over and just sat, taking in the October air and thinking about the mess that my life was.

You were a mistake and I was trying to think of how to deal with this mistake and how to get past where I was.

My friend called that night. He talked to me about his life and the mistakes he made. We talked about my options and my future, where I want to be versus where I was at that time. It was then that he told me his thoughts, that I leave the state and move across the country to where he was stationed. That he was going to be going to Florida after his military training and that he would be more than happy to have me there if I wanted to be there. We sat there on the phone in silence as I seriously thought about packing everything up tonight and starting my drive to Florida in the morning.

That was when you showed up. I didn’t even have time to hang up the phone before you came running after me. You came yelling at me about how dare I leave the house and not tell you where I was. I could only assume my parents gave you clues on how to find me, since I was at my favorite place. Shoving my phone into my pocket I instinctively yelled back. You called me a bitch, I called you an asshole. You called me a cheating whore, I called you out on your cheating by naming the girls I knew you had been with.

Angrily, I walked to the parking lot, fuming mad and ready to just get away so I could cry. Suddenly I felt myself stumble as both your hands pressed against my back and I was shoved into my car door. You screamed at me, swearing at me and calling me every name in the book. It didn’t hurt anymore, the name calling, the harassment. I was used to it from you. Instead of turning around and punching you square in the face like I wanted to, I turned around and pulled my phone out of my pocket in time to hear that my friend was threatening to call the cops if he really did just hear me get hurt by him. I told my friend not to worry and hung up the phone. I got into my car and drove into the night again, blaring the same song on repeat as I drove deep into the night.

I haven’t spoken to that friend since.

“Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon”

I can’t remember what started the final fight. Whether it be bills, your lack of a decent job, you dropping out of school to hang out with your ‘just female friends’ (also known as the girls you were cheating on me with), or something you had done to hurt me, but it was a fight of massive proportions. I tried to be calm, I tried to be kind, but after you slapped me across my face again, leaving a painful sting, I realized I had enough.

“I want a divorce.” I yelled out loudly. “I can’t be married to someone like you!” I then walked to our bedroom and took all of your things out, tossing them into our living room. You left at this point, taking only your cell phone and wallet.

As the last of your things was placed in a pile in the middle of our living room I placed a note on top of it. I thought long and hard before finally
deciding what to write. “I am not kicking you out of my life tonight. But I am kicking you out of my bedroom.” I then took out some blankets and pillows for you to make a bed on the couch and then locked the door to my bedroom and went to sleep. I don’t know when you came home that night, if ever.

The next day you didn’t answer your phone when I tried to call at noon. Your car wasn’t at home before I left for work and when I came home from work you weren’t there either. Finally my brother let me know that you were at your job, so I went there. They had video cameras everywhere, it was your job. You wouldn’t risk it by hitting me or calling me names, or so I thought.

You took me out back and yelled at me, calling me names that I could never repeat. You grabbed at my stomach, painfully pinching it and calling me fat. I pushed you away and showed you my ring. “Doesn’t this mean anything to you?” I asked in disbelief at your petty actions and behavior. You took my hand and looked me in the eyes, I hoped that you were going to say something about how much it does mean. But instead your eyes were cold as you took it off and threw it into the parking lot- the ring landing conveniently under another vehicle. “F*^k you, bitch.” You yelled as you walked away.

I went home to bed and locked the door. I fell asleep at 4 p.m. that afternoon. Frankly, I didn’t care if you came home or not. After so many hours my parents came down to check on me, and I woke up long enough to eat something, then went back to bed.

“Do you know, that everyday’s the first of the rest of your life”

Then the next morning I went to school and to work, like I always did. I tried you call you at noon again, with no answer. I sat in my cubicle and stared blankly at the computer. After so long my manager came and sent me home. He knew something was wrong and that I wasn’t going to accomplish anything. I went home and my little brother took me to Sonic, where we got drinks and sat talking about the last few days. He made me laugh as he mimicked Yoda when ordering our food, and for the first time in days I genuinely smiled.

I then received your text. “Im coming for my stuff. Im leaving. We are done.”

Kanoosh and I raced back to the house. We beat you there and as you walked in you shoved my mother out of your way. Angrily I grabbed your shirt by the collar and told you to leave my family out of our fight. You shoved me into a door as you stormed downstairs into our basement apartment. After ensuring my mother was alright I sat on the stairs and watched you pack.

“Do you want to work it out?” I asked in a monotone voice. You didn’t reply. “Do you want to take a break, try again in awhile?” Again, no reply. “Do you want to try therapy?” You threw a box of belongings towards me and it landed on the bottom stair, nearly toppling over. I sat there, thinking of what was going on. It was going so quickly, but I sat there numbly in slow motion. Finally I only had one thing I could offer up left. “Do you want help packing?”

“This is to one last day in the shadows, And to know a brother’s love

You cheated on me, and the only reason you left is because you got another woman pregnant. I just found out yesterday that you are expecting your third child with her. She is 13 years older than you and a sloppy mess, she has 5 kids with one on the way, drinks while pregnant and is sue-happy and is broke because she can’t win a lawsuit. I truly hope you are happy with her, because she deserves better than you.

You hurt me and my family, and you are a good actor as well. You could fake tears, and emotions, and you could sure fake affection. I am a fairly good judge of character but you sure had me fooled. Good for you.

Its been quite awhile, but I still am linked to you because you are an idiot. Such as your death benefits, are still named towards me, amongst other things. People say its the silver lining and that its for the best, but I don’t want any of it. I want to never have to see you again, hear about you or any of the shit that you pulled.

I wrote this to you because I want people to know what you did to me. How you made me feel. I want people to see where I’ve been and how much stronger and better I am of a person because of you and what you did.

I was too good for you then and because of you I learned what kind of a man I deserve, and not only did I find that man but I married him. I love that man more than anything and he treats me better than you could have ever. For that, I want to thank you for leaving, for packing your shit and taking off that cold October afternoon. Because if it wasn’t for you leaving I would have never taken a chance with Bubba, and we would have never had our chance to fall in love.

“You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies, And show me where you run to,  When no one’s left to take your side, But don’t tell me where the road ends, cause I just don’t wanna know, No I don’t wanna know

I don’t wanna know about you. You are gone and out of my life. Goodbye.

Revisited: An Open Letter to Transport Jockey

I wish I could be where you are, to hug you, to turn on silly movies and watch them, to eat as much comfort and junk food as our bodies and wallets would allow. I wish I could be there for you right now, because I have been where you are. The thing I needed the most, was a hug from a complete stranger. I needed someone who may never see me again, so I could say what needed to be said and cry, so I didn’t have to be brave.

Being brave is the hardest part.

To be perfectly honest, I feel as if this heartache is my fault. I encouraged you to move closer to her, to change your world to be with the woman you love. Seeing you hurt now makes me feel horrible, I could have done so much to help protect your heart. For that, I apologise. I wanted nothing but the best for you and for her. I am so, so sorry.

The pain does get easier to deal with, but when you love someone, it never completely goes away. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. There will be days you want to yell and scream and cry, and others when you can feel them sitting next to you, laughing at your jokes.

This song takes my breath away, but it fits the situation so well. It’s okay to cry about it. This song is everything I want to say to Scott… and instead of hurting myself with negative thoughts and energy, I let Catitlin and Will sing it…

I stumbled across your old picture today, I could barely breathe, The moment stopped me cold,

Grabbed me like a thief. I dialed your number, but you wouldn’t be there,

I knew the whole time, but it’s still not fair, I just wanted to hear your voice,

I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say, So much I wanna tell you everyday, Oh it breaks my heart,

I cry these tears in the dark, I write these letters to you, But they get lost in the blue,

‘Cause there’s no address in the stars.

Now I’m drivin’, Through the pitch black dark, I’m screaming at the sky

Oh cause it hurts so bad, Everybody tells me, Oh all I need is time,Then the mornin’ rolls in,

And it hits me again, And that aint nothin’ but a lie.

Without you here with me, I don’t know what to do. I’d give anything

Just to talk to you Oh it breaks my heart, Oh it breaks my heart,

But all I can do Is write these letters to you,

But there’s no address in the stars

I can only think of how beautiful the services are today, with it being memorial day weekend. Nothing makes me happier than seeing all
those flowers, all the wreaths, all of the beautiful extras left. The situation is hard, and painful, and impossible, but I hope you look around and see all the beauty, those aren’t just flowers, those are people who have been in the same place. They know your pain, they’ve been there.

This next part is how you heal. You have to take these painful, beautiful steps to move on. Believe it or not this is making you so much stronger, everyday. This is making you a more compassionate man, a better EMT and a more amazing human being.

You’ve already accepted that she’s looking and watching over you. When you feel the sun against your skin, thats her warmth against your skin, thats her love for you keeping you warm. When you see the rain, she’s accepting the pain you feel, and sharing her own. When you see the sky so blue you could see into heaven, you are. And when you lay down and can feel someone there with you, they are. Thats not in your head, thats in your heart, and your heart knows best.

God knew what he was doing when he put you here. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and you have to believe that you didn’t sign up for twitter, blogging and FB for nothing. You signed up for whatever reason and were blessed with so many friends and family who know you, your heart and your pain. We all love you. We all want to see you make it through this.

Nothing is more beautiful than the chance to tell a stranger everything, and have them return your pain with love, kindness and peace of mind. Nothing relieves an aching heart more than people like that. It’s hard to find the words to say, but when you do find them, find those people and share your words, your feelings, your story.

I love you. I hope you know that if you need anything I will get in my car and drive to where you are at. If you need to drive my home is always open to you. I’ve been there. I know the pain, I know the worry, the wonder and the confusion.

More than anything I know that it gets better, and one day the sun will shine, the sky will be so blue and you wont want to cry, you’ll want to look up to the sky and bask in its warmth. Until that beautiful, clarifying moment, I will be here whenever you need me to be.

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