Everything is Different

If people would’ve told me three months ago when I started this blog that my life would be totally and completely different in just a few months, I would’ve laughed at them and rolled my eyes. My life was JUST fine and did not need to change, thank you very much. Then again, I probably would’ve believed them, but would never admit it.

I’m having a hard time adjusting. I didn’t want to change before the baby was born, but now that he’s here, I want everything to change. I’m alright with things being different, but I don’t know how to change the things I want to change.

After shit hit the fan in August I started counseling. It’s free from my work (they offer it to avoid problems and lawsuits) and my counselor is able to work with me on all issues, work, family, life, and what makes me tick. In the past I’ve tried it, but it didn’t seem to help me much. Reluctantly I started, and was pleasantly surprised at the turns that it took to help me find myself. The problem was that my counselor kept telling me I needed to paint the life I wanted and go get it.

Problem was, I had no idea what I wanted. The life I had was beautiful and perfect enough at that time. I didn’t think I wanted a change.

Then baby boy came. As soon as I held him in my arms I realized that I wanted everything to change. I knew my life had just changed for the best. My mind was flooded with all the things I wanted and needed to do. I realized that things were going to be okay, but I still felt overwhelmed.

I’ve been making lists. Trying to come up with ways to write out or verbalize what I want from my life. When I get online and check Pinterest and other blogs I feel overwhelmed. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to become.

The other big thing keeping me back is where I feel totally miserable and hateful towards myself; I’m starting to exhibit signs of postpartum depression. My mother had it. My mother-in-law had it. I’ve struggled with depression for years. I know I’ll probably get it, but I hate myself when I start showing signs of it. My husband doesn’t get it. He looks at the baby and is totally in love. I’m totally in love too, but I struggle so much with trying to be happy all of the time.

Husband is awesome. He lets me sleep at night and tends to the baby, then goes to work the next day and even offers to let me nap when he gets home from work. He helps me cook dinner and when the baby is fussy he lets me do what I need to do to clear my head. My husband is amazing. Me? Not so much.

Everything is different. That’s not a bad thing. Everything needs to change, and I hope that I can handle the changes that come.

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1 Comment

  1. Dani, my dear,
    First, you JUST had a baby. For heavens sake, girl! GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT!!! (and a hug or two)
    Having been around that block 4 times now, I will tell you….take things one day at a time. The most important thing in your life right now is your precious beautiful baby. You are the second. However, that being said, get some help with PPD. It is a very real thing that needs treatment and is nothing to be ashamed of. It also doesn’t matter if you’ve had depression before. Accept it for what it is. You cannot take care of the precious baby if your not taking care of yourself. Be true to thy self.
    You are so young (21, is it?) and have your entire life ahead of you. Slow down and enjoy every sunrise rise and sunset because before you know it, the kids are in highschool and it will seem like they were just born yesterday. Believe me, EVERY mom goes through this, you’re not new, nor alone! Accept yourself. You’re doing a great job. Motherhood is the toughest job you’ll ever have.
    Having said all that, I believe that you are in Salt Lake City? SLC has some awesome support groups for new moms. Not all are involved with the mormon church. Ask the hospital or therapist. Up here is Wa. I go to Moms2Moms and others (I have a special needs kid).
    I’m sending you a hug…….Keep writing and keep taking life one day at a time. Above all, remember to breathe! Life is precious.
    Until then, take care and stay safe


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